be free from unhealthy relationships (lesson seven) ...a blog ...
why you can’t let go … (lesson seven) …
We can always find meaning in all of our experiences- even the bad ones. What were the gifts that you can take away from this experience? For instance If I had my break up with a man many years ago inspired me to write my first book Don’t Call That Man! which is in eight languages now and has helped thousands of women all over the world! Some things are just meant to be (or not be).... find meaning in your experience ...
How are the people you choose to become involved with similar to your parents?
How are they different?
Were your parents emotionally available to you when you were growing up?
Do you have any trauma from your childhood that affects your choices today?
How are the people you choose to become involved with similar to your parents? Some of those that I have been involved with along my life have been very similar to my mother in a very controlling abusive way and they most certainly abdicate any parental responsibility and leave it all to me. They have all been emotionally unavailable and have always put me second in one way or another …
if you ever need nothing, I’m totally here for you …
How are they different? One particular person has some traits of my mother, which can be very negative, but in other ways he is like my dad, very kind and lovely and really truly cares deeply about me …
don’t let the heart that didn’t love you, keep you from the one that will …
Were your parents emotionally available to you when you were growing up? My mum wasn’t emotionally available to me at all; I played the more responsible and grown up person in the relationship; I also felt very unloved by her. My dad wasn’t always available because he worked really hard but I did always always feel the depth of his genuine love for me …
children believe what their parent’s tell them …
Do you have any trauma from your childhood that affects your choices today? I have abandonment trauma, which makes me always choose those that aren’t completely available to me and those that always expect me to be the ‘adult’ so they can play the ‘spoilt brat child’ …
I will not date unavailable men …
- The Other Person’s Behavior
Some people play games. Some people may act sadistic or abusive. Some people act ambivalent and confusing and give out double messages. Some people project all kinds of disturbed psychological issues with people they engage with. Any of these types of behaviors can make someone feel rejected, hurt and even traumatized which can trigger off desperate clingy behavior.
- Feelings of Loneliness or Emptiness
When a person acts desperate, they are often running away from an intense, empty feeling they get when they are alone. This empty feeing has often been described as a panic attack, emptiness, and a void. Some people have even described this feeling as a “black hole.” The emptiness they experience is so overwhelming; they would would rather tolerate another person’s awful behavior than face the horror of being alone with these terrifying feelings. However terrifying these feeling might be, this void is not real. This may be caused by what they didn’t get emotionally from their parents. By repeatedly involving yourself with someone who has severe intimacy problems, who may be unconsciously pushing you away keeps you in a state of deprivation and emotional pain. You’re just re- enacting your childhood history and re-traumatizing yourself.
In order to stop feeling desperate, you must face this emptiness and darkness. How do you do that? You have to do whatever it takes to endure these feelings while you are experiencing them and do your best to move past them. As you do this more and more, you will feel yourself gaining strength.
- Your Psychological History
At least 90 percent of people I meet who have di,culty letting go of someone who isn’t good for them had at least one frustrating, hurtful, or emotionally neglectful parent. Mixing the promise of love and emotional gratiUcation, while at the same time deeply disappointing a little child by not following through on that promise, is the groundwork for a person to become a vulnerable victim to people who like playing out their ambivalence and psychological issues.
A person with an ambivalent parent has similar feelings for both their parents and their emotionally unavailable partner. Both relationships are intense and Ulled with of conVicting emotions including excitement, happiness, love, anger, anguish, longing, and sadness. They may not know what it’s like to have a parent who adored and loved them without chaos, drama, and conVicting messages.
People who get hooked on emotionally unavailable men/women are often degraded by being rejected, stood up, and lied to and deeply hurt in the process of desperately trying to hang on to them. Usually this cruel behavior is intermittent with occasional positive gratifying times the unavailable person throws in to keep their partner hooked. After they are humiliated by this abandoning, rejecting and/or abusive behavior, then they have to put the energy into restoring themselves so that they have the emotional strength to carry on with the other parts of their life. A repetitive cycle of being shamed and recovering starts. This degradation/recovery dynamic may have been played out with their mother or father, or both. They are recreating with another person an adult version of how their parents might have related to them.
- Repetition compulsion
Freud, the father of psychology coined the phrase “repetition compulsion”, the compulsive need to repeat the past.
He explained that sometimes we feel compelled to re-experience certain distressing early situations from our childhood – a recurring dramatization of events that once brought you only misery and suffering.
Repeating our past is irresistible to us.
The bottom line is pursuing someone who is unavailable, abusive or unable to give you the type of relationship you want /need is a way of staying attached to your dysfunctional parent/child relationship. You’re recreating a piece of your childhood that you’re not willing or ready to let go of yet.
The next time you feel yourself getting into a situation with someone that includes a lot of drama, trauma, and pain, think about whether you are reenacting a relationship from your past. If you are repeating a pattern – consider working on yourself Urst, as opposed to pursuing or contacting a person who is emotionally unavailable.
Remember awareness is the Urst step in changing and recovery!
Heal Yourself with Writing: Course Overview
Lesson 1: How To Stop Clinging
Lesson 2: Going Through A Breakup
Lesson 3: Building A Support System
Lesson 4: How To Not Act Desperate
Lesson 5: Obsessing
Lesson 7: Your Psychological History
Ms Denise Mijatovic ... (aka indigo ...)
lead me ... blog writer ...
I am the owner and main author of me ... website. I want to keep this bit short and sweet so if you want to read more about me then please go to 'about me'.